York Silk And The Unwanted Home Run Record
How an eight-year-old broke the most cherished record in blaseball after a horrible tragedy.
Blaseball is a magical sport possibly invented by The Game Band, although they don’t remember doing it. In a horrible year, blaseball has not only built a community of joy, but it has also created a tradition of giving.
This is a story about two of blaseball’s most beloved players — Jessica Telephone and York Silk — and their impact on its statistical history. The attached story is mine, but it is based on the original details created by the fans of the Hawaii Fridays, Dallas Steaks, Hades Tigers, Philly Pies, and the Internet Baseball League’s other teams. Anything creative is because of them; anything incorrect is because of me.
OAHU (BNN) — Blaseball has a new home-run emperor, and he’s eight years old.
They also know it shouldn’t be their record.
“I was so sad when Mx. Telephone got shelled,” York Silk said, shortly after breaking the record. “They were always nice to me, and we talked about our bats. And they had such silly costumes!”
At the end of Season Six, it seemed Telephone would hold the record forever. According to Blaseball Reference, their 154 homers was well beyond any other hitter.
Silk had 139 after their fifth eight-year-old season, but Telephone had a 36–25 edge in Season Six and 105 home runs in their past three seasons. Telephone was also the career leader with 1,305 total bases and, as an ageless quantum waveform, would never age out of their prime.
Now, though, Telephone is trapped in a giant peanut shell, unable to add to their record-setting totals. That’s allowed a third-grade prodigy to reluctantly grab the title for their own.
They sadly rounded the bases before racing across the beach to give Telephone as much of a hug as an 8-year-old can manage for an adult-sized peanut.
The Peanut God Takes An Interest
No one expected records from Telephone during their rookie year (Season One) with the Dallas Steaks. They were a decent player, but nothing spectacular.
That, though, is when things got unusual. Jessica was blessed after the season, with the Peanut God granting them Ultimate Batting Skills — the first time of several times They have gotten involved in Telephone’s career.
The next time was moments later when TPG blessed the Philly Pies with the ability to steal the league’s best hitter. Telephone was on their way to the City of Brotherly Love, along with their historical harem. As someone who exists in the ’80s of every century, their girlfriends’ list contains Eleanor of Aquitaine, Sappho of Lesbos, Nellie Bly, and players from several blaseball teams — teammates and rivals alike.
Rise Of A Child
Telephone led the Pies to the Season Two championship, but a massive event had gone almost unnoticed late. Hawaii Fridays hitter Jessi Wise was incinerated by rogue umpires, and with no one else available, replaced by the team’s blatboy.
Young York Silk showed immediate promise, hitting .310 with five homers in the season’s final 25 games. Silk’s teammates bought them a Gunblade Bat (TM) during the offseason, and everything changed.
In Season Three, they hit .374 with 31 home runs, then won a Triple Clown in Season Four — hitting .363 with 45 homers and 100 RBIs.
On The Move Again … And Again
Telephone, though, was still dealing with the quirks of the Peanut God. This time, the Hades Tigers received a blessing that allowed them to borrow Telephone for Season Three.
Their .319 average and 27 homers helped the Tigers to a championship — the second straight of their career — and Telephone’s slugging was a crucial part of a Hades team that dominated the first half of Season Four on its way to a second straight title.
Telephone, though, wasn’t there for their celebration. Midway through the year, a Feedback Loop sent them back to Philadelphia. They slugged the Pies back into the plostseason, but a .375 batting average wasn’t enough to avoid a first-round loss to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands.
That’s Telephone’s only playoff loss, thanks to their career .330 batting average, eight home runs, and 29 runs in 28 plostseason games.
Jessica has finally found a settled home in Philadelphia, and hit 71 homers for the Pies in Seasons 5 and 6.
Silk’s Road Gets Bumpy
Back in Hawaii, Silk remained one of the league’s most dangerous hitters, but a curse laid by the Charleston Shoe Thieves made them slightly less effective. They still hit 58 homers and drove in 171 runs, but a close home-run race looked to have shifted in Telephone’s favor.
That changed horribly.
While Silk looked for a car sponsorship — they can drive a baseball, so they figures they can drive a Porsche (or a Lamborghini or a Ferrari) — tragedy struck in Philadelphia.
Wrath Of A Vengeful God
Unhappy with the way fans were idolizing blaseball players instead of him, the Peanut God struck again. He literally shelled their two favorites — Telephone and Baltimore Crabs slugger Nagomi Mcdaniel, a former teammate of Silk’s in Hawaii.
Both players remain trapped in human-sized peanut shells, unable to help their teams.
“I cried so much,” Silk said. “Not just Mx. Telephone, but Nagomi. They are my friend! They were so nice when I started to play, and they always text me after I hit a homer!
“Now they are stuck in that stupid peanut shell! It isn’t fair!”
Wearing a “JT/NM” sticker alongside all the sponsor logos on their trademark Crocs, York has responded to the tragedy with one of their best seasons. Through 53 games, they lead the league with a career-best .388 batting average and are amongst the leaders with 17 homers.
It has been a tough season for the Fridays — they are last in the Mild Low division at 22–32 — but they had one moment of history to remember. In the 46th game of the season, with Telephone unable to watch inside their shell, York launched their 155th career homer into the Banzai Pipeline surf.
They sadly rounded the bases before racing across the beach to give Telephone as much of a hug as an 8-year-old can manage for an adult-sized peanut.
York has added a 156th homer, and with Telephone sidelined indefinitely, the nearest active competitor is not-at-all-undead Thomas Dracaena (144) of the New York Millennials.
The record seems destined to stay with them forever, but that was true of Telephone a season ago. An eight-year-old might decide being a surfer or a park ranger is more fun than blaseball.
Jessica Telephone and Nagomi McDaniel were approached for comment for this story. They were still trapped inside peanut shells at press time, so we don’t have any idea if they said anything or even heard us.
Sorry about that.
